Can I just die? I guess it will solve the problem. Praying for a speedy death.
I hate myself.
I hate the person I was.
I hate me being weak.
I hate everything about me.
I HATE IT!
I felt lonely. I want to be alone. I want to exclude myself from this word.
But I can’t do it when he’s not okay. I have to be strong. I have to be with him. I have to let him know that I’ll be with him, by his side always… no matter how bad I wanted to curl myself and put myself inside a big box. Have the time and think to myself.
I hate being weak. I hate it.
1. I was in all girls primary school, so my circle of friends is definitely all girls, except of few of my neighborhood boys, whom we spent most of the time playing hide n seek, rounders, those mega lets-get-the-whole-neighborhood-playing kind of games.
When i was 10, I met him. Actually I attended the tuition class since I was 9, but nobody ever caught my attention. But he’s different. He was as passionate as I was in class, trying to beat everyone to get the best marks. I like him a lot. He’s the cool guy that spoke a lot in class, with his handsome fair face, no wonder he gets a lot of attention. I was this little nerd with short, curly hair, with big tooth. I was ugly. I don’t even sparkle when he shine so bright.
I remembered him throughout the years. I took both year 4 and year 5 classes. I quit the class because my father decided that I should concentrate on my Year 5 private lesson. It was a different timetable. I didn’t see him anymore. I missed him so bad, sometimes I wish he was among the boys I saw during the start of the classes when everyone rushing in. I didn’t see him.
I went to boarding school when I was 12, to MRSM Pasir Tumboh, and into MRSM PC. Along the line, I was thinking about him. Wondering when will I see him again.
After we met again, I found out that he went to SIC, the school which is just across the main road near my house, which I just moved into when I was in Form 4. The fact that he went to SMSTMFP, which is near MRSMPC. We were near, but yet, Allah hasn’t decide that we should meet, not yet.
You are my first love, this is why I love you.
2. When I found out that our mothers were friends, I was elated to the fact that I found him, finally! I looked at his brother A, and little sister E, who were there, wondering how would he looked like after all this years. Is he still that handsome little boy who used to annoy me?
I was happy, beyond words when he replied my messages on FB. I felt bad for not responding to his friend request previously as I wasn’t sure it was him. Secretly I was hoping it was him but seeing the picture, he looked different, I was afraid that I might be sad if it turned out it wasn’t him, so I ignored to request, I’m so sorry sayang.
I was hoping he was single. I need to know if he is single. When I asked him the question, I felt like a bomb inside me exploded knowing his status. Fine. Maybe he is not meant for me. That moment, I decided to distant myself. I was heartbroken. My first love is taken.
I finally found you, and I started to believe in first love, this is why I love you.
3. A week later he confronted me on the awkward distance, was it something he did. You were perfect, sweetheart, the only problem is you’re taken. And I can’t bear seeing you with someone else. Then he explained regarding his actual status, on what is actually going on. Abruptly, I confessed that I liked him. Damn, Luckily, he felt the same :) I was flying so high, I was excited when he asked me out the next day. Definitely I said yes. I’ve been wanting to meet you since I was 10.
You love me back :) this is why I love you.
4. Seeing him, as handsome as he used to be, but even better as he is all grown up. If only I can be with him forever. But I shouldn’t demand too much.
In a glance, he was the handsome gentleman in his office attire. I love him in blue. Blue suits him best, it brings out his fair skin. He’s tall, bigger than me, with huge arms, definitely someone who can protect me, someone who can hold me tight when I’m down or sad. When I got into his car, I noticed soft toys! those heart shape plushie (definitely a gift from someone, I hated it), those 2 doggies at the back seat. Hurm, definitely sensitive, soft-hearted guy, I thought.
My besties knew me well that I like tall guy as I am short, and fair skin, as I am dark. Secretly, he has been fulfilling my dream guy check-list. Slowly, I dreaming that he’s mine.
You are my dream guy, this is why I love you.
5. When we meet, confidently he expressed his feelings, saying that he loves me. For real my dear? You just met me. It is not impossible to fall in love with you in a second, I already am but, falling for me? I don’t have anything, I told you who I am but still, you really do love me?
You were sincere, bold, and brave, and kind, this is why I love you.
6. Upon conversation, meetings, phone calls, I realized that he is mature than he looks. He sees value in everything, while I was the one who took life for granted. He lived his life hard while life was easy for me. He taught me a lot and I wish he won’t stop teaching me, I wish he will be mine forever so I can share with him about what I see in life.
I can see that you can be my imam, this is why I love you.
7. He was concern when I couldn’t get a bus ticket to go home. He wanted to looked for tickets in Shah Alam when I insist him not to, and it hurts him for unable to help. How cute is that? hehe. He cares so much that he hated it when he can’t help.
He would come all the way from Port Klang, to pick me up in KL, then went to OU then to Port Klang to meet his cousin Kak A, then send me back home to KL and he went back to Port Klang again. Imagine the traffic, imagine the tired limbs of driving, he would do it just for me. Melts my heart everytime I think about it :)
You care about me so much that you don’t mind even if it troubles you. This is why I love you.
8. I noticed that he uses iPhone, and iPad. Close friends and family will understand how crazy I am toward Apple products. That I own iPhone, iPad and iPod. I hope I can own a Macbook one day insya Allah. I used to wish of using Facetime and iMessage with the one I love. I owned an iPhone but I can’t use it. Because I don’t have my soul partner.
The moment I saw his gadgets, I was jumping inside. Yes! Finally, someone who can understand my fetish to Apple. Again, he’s fulfilling my dream guy check-list.
You’re an iFag sayang :) this is why I love you.
9. One of my favorite thing about him, he’s brave enough to meet my family, and he respect my parents and my family. He can get along with my crazy siblings.
Mama treats him like her own son and she’s worried sick that me and sweetheart won’t work out, she said we are always in her prayers every moment, everyday.
Papa is not the kind who would easily show his affection but somehow Papa himself invited sweetheart for lunch or dinner few times while he was in KL. It was weird to talk to Papa about boyfriend. But alhamdulillah, everything was smooth so far, and I can feel that Papa is happy with us :)
My siblings are protective as they can. Brothers were alarmed at first knowing the little sister is with someone. Relationship is okay but with caution. Heart to heart with my brother D was relaxing and calming but yet filled with cautions.
My sisters was protective as well, however they couldn’t locate your flaw, just yet. They are happy with us and they want us to be happy together.
Alhamdulillah, my family is very supportive :)
You the first and the only guy who was brave enough to meet my parents and siblings, to get their approval to proceed in a relationship with me. You’re the only one who can get close to my family and be comfortable with them. You’re only one who get to call my parents Papa Mama. This is why I love you sayang.
10. You love me so much, to the extent that I didn’t even question your love. I can see your sincerity. I can see that you would do anything for me. But 1 flaw sayang, why me? why do you love me so much?
Your pure love, your sincerity, your honest promise. This is why I love you sayang
More reasons on why I love you coming up soon. 10 is not enough.
Sometimes, I never felt right when I’m with you, because you never told me if I am.
Sometimes, I never felt good when I’m with you, because you haven’t told me if I am.
I have this urge to impress you, but maybe I was not good enough, maybe I tried too hard.
It hurts when someone you doesn’t see you as good as you thought you’d be.
It hurts when you don’t even understand why he loves you.
I want to be alone for a moment.
It’s hard not being able to express what I feel.
It’s hard not being given chance to speak.
It hurts when someone expressed hatred and anger upon listening to you speak.
It hurts to always be the one at fault.
It hurts, to be told that I don’t have anything, or even worse, I’m not good at anything, when I don’t even have the confidence to face the world.
It hurts, to not feel that I am good at anything, because nobody ever told me or even remind me.
I won’t let you know what I feel .
I will keep it to myself, no matter if it means that it is hurting me or you.
I will not speak as what I speak of will jeopardize us.
I will only listen, but I will not speak, because whatever I say, will never mean anything to you.
When I said I love you, I really meant it.
When I kept texting when I can, it is definitely because I miss you so much that I wish my abundance inflow of text message will makes you happy/annoys you that makes you sent a reply. A REPLY.
When I hated it so much when you talked about other girls, it simply means that I’m jealous. I don’t want your attention became divided. I need ALL your attention channeled to me. ME.
I rarely send silly, i-need-your-attention-so-bad text messages, but when I did, it really meant that I am not okay, I need you, even though I might say, “I’m fine.” But truth is I definitely am not okay and the words that should come out from you is, “I know you’re not okay, what can I do to make you feel better my dear?”
I graduated last year with 1 aim, to be the best doctor I can be, the best daughter,granddaughter, sister, aunt and friend that I can be. I’ve never thought of meeting new people or getting in any relationship. I gave up. I don’t believe in it anymore. I believe people tend to hurt the one they love, by not loving. I believe the world is against me. I believe I have no luck in love. I lost everything, the reason to live, my essence to life. I don’t think I can live with loving someone anymore, because there is no one for me.
Then I met him.
The reason why I woke up every day with courage to face life, because I won’t live if I am weak.
The reason why I believe love existed, unlike what I’ve had before.
The reason I believe I can be loved by someone as special as he is.
The reason why I wanted to have kids I want to have our legacy.
I might not have anything to offer right, but somehow I just wanted to make things right.
No, you don’t understand me that well.
Saya tak kuat.